TW: Suicide ideation// Grooming// Verbal abuse
Q: Can you tell me about your journey into single motherhood?
A: Okay. Where to begin? It’s a long story, but let me just summarise it. I was 17 when I met my baby daddy, and we fell in love. At 18, I was supposed to marry him, but when he found out I was pregnant, he changed his mind. He said he was interested in the marriage again. He told me clearly that he didn’t want to be in her life too. He said this when I was barely a month pregnant. That was how I got pregnant at 18, and he wasn’t in the picture then, and he isn’t now. I had her when I was 19, and here we are; she’s almost eight.
I: How old was he?
A: So, um, I didn’t see his birth certificate, but he told me he was 12 years older than I was. So, when I was 17, he was 29. When I was 18, he was 30.
Q: So, he just changed his mind after you got pregnant?
A: My dear, yes, oh. He changed his mind when I got pregnant. Everything wasn’t real. But he made it look real; he came and met my parents, came with his family to tell my parents that he wanted to marry me. Luckily for me, at the time, my parents were saying, “You’re too young for this. Explore; you’re just 18.” But you know, that first love, when you feel like the man you meet is the right person. So, I was adamant. I said, “he’s the right person.” That’s that.
Q: Many people, when faced with this choice, would’ve gotten an abortion. Why didn’t you?
A: I thought about it. I thought about an abortion. But, first things first, my faith stopped me from doing that. I’m a catholic. I was born catholic, and abortion is, like, a sin. I felt like having an abortion was like killing someone, and I couldn’t bare that. I couldn’t kill anybody, talk more of my flesh and blood. So, I thought about it, no doubt. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It would’ve been easy because I found out on time, two weeks into my pregnancy. I knew two weeks in because I had started getting the symptoms. At the time, I could’ve used pills, and everything would just go, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I felt like it was going to haunt me forever.
Q: How did your parents react when they learned you were pregnant?
A: When I told my parents, my mom, they were not angry. Everyone felt like it was since he had brought his family to meet mine with the intention of getting married. My mom was like, okay, now just tell him to come with his parents so they can pay the bride price before your stomach starts showing, you know. Nobody was outraged. Their anger started when he said he was interested again. Everybody was like, ah, you didn’t know you weren’t interested before; it’s now that she’s pregnant that you know that you say you don’t want. Initially, though, nobody was really angry. Because everybody in my house, even my aunts and uncles, knew him. He used to come to my house to eat. I used to go to his to relax and chill. Both families were friends; when he woke up and decided he wasn’t interested anymore, that problem started.
I: Did they try to get him to support you by force?
A: Of course. My daddy was angry that he backed out all of a sudden. His family was catholic, too, so my father reported them to the church. The church called them for a meeting so we could discuss and settle on how to take care of the child. They never came for the meeting. The meeting was held thrice; they never showed up. Not the guy nor his family members. They had us looking like fools.
I: I can’t imagine the embarrassment and hurt that you faced. Did he live close to you?
A: I would say it was close. My house was just a 300 Naira bike distance from his house. I felt so bad. I was pregnant and depressed. I was even suicidal during my third trimester.
I felt like my life was useless. In Igboland, it is taboo to give birth in your father’s house unmarried. In my entire family, extended family included, I was the first person to do it. So many people were on my matter; they told me I was a disgrace to the family. People outside looked at me weirdly. I couldn’t get out of my house because of shame. My aunts made fun of me. My dad hated me. He couldn’t even look me in the eye anymore. My grandmother told me to stop coming for devotion because I had sinned against God. Those nine months were the worst nine months of my whole life.
I developed high blood pressure. I lost 20kg.
I: I’m so sorry. It was awful.
A: My dear, I had a terrible experience. I don’t even like remembering it because I went through hell, and I came back. That I’m alive, sef is just because God wants me to be alive or, maybe God has plans for me. When I say I was suicidal, I was very suicidal. There was a time I thought of ending it all. The only thing that stopped me was that I couldn’t find a rope. I don’t know if you know all these hooks that they used to hang ceiling fans on top. I had already brought down the ceiling fan in my room. I was ready. I couldn’t find a rope. I was so angry that day because I couldn’t find that rope; if I had seen that rope that day, you wouldn’t be talking to me now.
I: How did you cope? What gave you the strength to keep moving at that time?
A: Omo. Nothing gave me the strength to keep moving at all. During that period, anytime I woke up, I used to get angry. I would just cry. “Why did I wake up? Why didn’t I just die?” Most times before sleeping, I used to pray to God so I wouldn’t wake up. The following day, I would wake up and start crying. Why the hell did I wake up? Why didn’t I just die? That was all I thought about the entire nine months.
I: I’m glad you’re here. What happened to school?
A: Okay. When all this was happening, I wasn’t in school already. I got pregnant around August, so my dad felt I couldn’t stay home and carry the pregnancy. First, he’d have to look at me, and he didn’t want to see my face. During that period, everyone was just angry with me. They just wanted to throw me away. So, he enrolled me at X* University. If you know X* University well, it’s like a prison. They’d just lock you in there. So, he just wanted to keep me somewhere he could be sure about my whereabouts. So, he enrolled me in X*. So, I started at X University around November 2014. I was like three- or four months in. I stayed there till March. By March, I was showing so much I had to defer and return home to have my baby.
I: Did that put a pin in school, or could you continue after?
A: I didn’t go back right away. My dad was like, after giving birth, I had to breastfeed and stuff like that. He said I had to stay around for a year. After her first birthday, then I could start talking about school again. I had in 2015. I breastfed her for ten months, and by May 2016, I returned to school, and that was when my mom started taking care of her.
I: What was it like at home after you had the baby?
A: Nothing changed initially. My dad was away when I had her. He travelled; I guess he was still angry. It was just my mom. She took me to the hospital; I had a normal birth, and my uncle brought us back home. Everybody was still pretty angry. Nothing changed. I guess I wasn’t as depressed as initially because I now had someone to care for. I was just trying to pull myself together; get myself back on course. I was directly responsible for another human being. I was just trying to deal with that and my blood pressure. Everybody was still angry. My grandmother still didn’t let me come for devotion because I had sinned against God. My mom was trying to be understanding, but once in a while, that part of her that was angry would come out, and she’d say some mean stuff. My aunts were not giving me an easy time either. I had two aunts that lived with us at the time; they gave me a nickname. You’re not Igbo, so you wouldn’t get it. They nicknamed me ‘nkem mmuru nwa’, which means ‘the one that gave birth’. Stuff like that very annoying. Dem fit just dey talk randomly, next thing they’ll say, “ah, it’s nkem mmuru nwa oh.” All of a sudden, everyone forgot my name. I was no longer Ifeoma again. I was now nkem mmuru nwa. Nothing changed.
I: How long did the meanness and anger at home last?
A: That one lasted for a while, like a year or two years after my baby.
I: That’s a long time. Did you at least have any friends you could talk to?
A: That’s part of the problem. I’m not a very social person, right, so I didn’t have friends. There was nobody to talk to. Fun fact, my baby daddy bought me the phone I was using then. When the entire pregnancy issue was happening, he took it back. I was phoneless during that period. Everybody was angry at me, so I couldn’t ask for a phone or money to buy one—no contact with the outside world. The only form of entertainment I got was from the radio.
I: He took the phone back? Girl, I want to fight. After leaving you pregnant?
A: LOL. My dear, I saw shege, forget.
I: What was it like balancing school and a baby?
A: Initially, when I had to resume, it was tough. I was torn. I wanted to be there for my child, but I had to go to school. It wasn’t easy at first. I always had to call, video calls and stuff like that. But it got easier after a while. It gets easier after the first year. I could cope much better.
I: What’s your relationship with your daughter like?
A: We have an excellent relationship. The thing is, at home, nobody has officially told her that I’m her mother. But I feel like she gets it. Currently, I’m not with her. She’s still with my mom. I’m trying to hustle, you know, trying to make money. But whenever I come around, she’s always all around me. She always wants to lean against my body. When I have to leave, she always cries and begs me not to go. The bond is there. Aside from the fact that we look alike, because she looks a lot like me, seeing the both of us, you just know there is a special bond here. She still calls my mum mummy. But I feel like she gets it. One way or another. Stuff like this, you know, maternal bond and all, is powerful and prominent, and I feel like she gets it.
I: So, what does she call you?
A: she calls me her sister. Children’s intuition is very strong. There was a day she called me ‘mummy’. I asked her why she did that, and she said she didn’t know.
I: Are you very far from her?
A: We are in the same state but in different cities.
I: What is it like being financially responsible for yourself and your child?
A: Omo, it’s tough. It’s tough because I know so many ladies my age who only have to worry about themselves. If you’re making 100k, for example, just know that about 40 or 50 is going towards her. You have like half left. But it’s worth it, you know. The best investment you can make as a parent is to invest in your child. It’s not really that bad.
My parents support me, and I contribute my share. My dad pays her school fees and hospital bills. I provide clothing and money for miscellaneous, such as snacks.
I: How do your dad and grandma treat her?
A: My grandma is late. It took a lot of people talking to her before she could even carry her before she died. As for my dad, he’s very cool with her now. They are inseparable now, but I am sure he didn’t like her initially. She is a lovely ad lively girl. Everybody loves her now. Even my aunts, that called me names then all love her now.
I: How do you feel about this?
A: I don’t care anymore. After I had her, I had to bring out the tough part of myself. I paid no attention to what anybody said or did so I wouldn’t lose my sanity. I had to stay strong. At the time, I didn’t care. I was focused on myself and my child. I felt as if they wanted to hate me. They were free. I had my baby, and I didn’t care anymore.
I: That’s one way to shield yourself from negative energy. Has being a single mother affected how people from your family treat you?
A: It has, especially in relationships. Most guys just run once they hear a child is involved. Having a child has made me more responsible. I don’t have wayward friends. I have mommy friends, and I have single friends. I don’t tell everyone that comes around that I am a mom. I feel like it is a very private part of my life that I won’t share with just everyone. My close friends know about her, but my acquaintances don’t.
I: Are you seeing anybody right now?
A: I would say yes. I’m seeing someone right now, and he knows about her. He was just okay with it, but I’m not seeing any fatherly warmth in him. He rarely asks of her. I would call it a situationship even; because I want to end it. I’ve told him, but he still wants to hold on for specific reasons that I don’t know. Yeah, that’s that. It’s tough to find a guy that will want to settle down with a single mother. It’s tough. That’s when you realise there’s no perfect man for your child. Nobody to be a father figure because you’re not just looking for a husband; you’re looking for a dad.
I: What plans do you have towards the future when it comes to you and your daughter?
A: I am a nurse. I am currently working on relocating, and I’ll take my daughter with me. I want to be able to give her the best life that I can.
I: Love that for you and your child. Is there anything you know now that you wish you’d known then?
A: I wish then that I had not rushed into love. I wish I had enjoyed my time as a teenager and just lived. Time is fleeting. I didn’t get to live life as a young adult. I just went straight from childhood to motherhood.
I: I understand. What advice would you give a girl or a woman who finds herself as a single mother?
A: It’s not easy but give yourself time to adjust. Don’t listen to people; the moment you do, you’ll always try to please them, and you’ll make yourself unhappy. Love yourself, and love your child. Go to school, establish yourself, and set up a business; you want your child to be proud of you later in life. Above all, take care of yourself. Treat yourself occasionally; na pikin you born, you no kill person.
I: So, how do you take care of yourself?
A: I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately. But I will try to make out time for that. I have always wanted to vacation in another African country, maybe Kenya.
I: Fingers crossed, you’re able to go. Thank you for speaking with me and sharing your story.
A: Amen, oh. You’re welcome!
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